My Mother is Gone...

Tonight at 10:29:05 p.m., I received a text message I feared most when Nanang was rushed to the hospital the other night. My brother Arnel texted me, "Awan nanangen."

"Mother is gone."

Words I received while I was about to retire for the night. It didn't sink right away. I texted back my brother. "Ania??!! Natayen??" "What??!! She already passed away??"

Then I called up my other brother, Dante. He was sobbing in between our conversations. I couldn't hold back my emotions anymore. I told him, our mother had sacrificed so much for all of us. She had suffered for so long. She endured all because we cannot provide all her medical needs and interventions so that her agony from diabetes and hypertensive episodes would be controlled, at least.

Then it dawned on us, we are so poor. We don't have money to start with. My brother at the other line told me he only had P400.00 left in his pocket. I barely have P2,000.00 left in my pocket.

"Can you remedy something tonight from anyone whom you think can help us?" I asked him.

"Perhaps they are already all asleep," he sobbed. "I was selling my motorcycle but no one could take it immediately," he added in between his cries.

I wept. We are so helpless. We got no one whom we can immediately run to. We don't even have relatives in Sanchez Mira. Our parents simply migrated there since we were small. Our relatives are all scattered in Lal-lo and in Camalaniugan. No one really to run to.

I called up my brother Rey. He was also crying. I tried calling up our only sister, Mae. She could not be reached. I was figuring out how we could bring home Nanang from the Cagayan Valley Medical Center (CVMC) in Tuguegarao without some good money to start with. I wept some more in pity.

My mother had suffered so much from her illness of diabetes mellitus. It reached that point that we had to recommend the amputation of her left leg because of a non-healing wound that already reached her thigh. We knew it must have been very difficult for her to let go of one of her legs. But she sacrificed it just so she could no longer feel the unending and agonizing pain of a decaying left leg. Since then, she was on wheel chair. Immediately after her leg amputation, we ordered for a leg prosthetics so that she could still walk in balance after her recuperation. Thanks God, she was able to walk with it after months and months of hard work and practice.

But she did not only suffer from diabetes. Prior to it, she was hypertensive. She would suffer from intermittent episodes of chest pains and all kinds of aches that could be attributed to high blood pressure. She suffered from it since my high school days. This progressed to acute hypertensive conditions. Many times, she would be rushed to the hospital because of unstable and high blood pressure. It was because of these two conditions that we asked her to take an early retirement from her university work as a Department Chairman for Agriculture at the Cagayan State University - Sanchez Mira. It was because of declining health conditions.

There had been moments when my mother's BP would shoot up uncontrollably and extremely high. I remember one incident when one of her toes on her right foot was about to be amputated also because of gangrene. While at the operating room, she suffered from stroke. Instead of proceeding to her amputation, she was rushed to the Intensive Care Unit of the hospital - St. Paul Hospital in Tuguegarao. We thought she would be more disabled after the stroke. But she fought hard for her life and limb. She recovered from the stroke. After several days of staying in the hospital to be stabilized in her condition, her middle finger on her right foot was finally amputated.

The most devastating toll of her strokes, which was milder that we thought, was the latest. Half of her body was paralyzed. The half where the complete right foot was. She hardly could move her fingers, more so lift up her arm. She described it as there were a thousand needles pricking on her. She was so helpless. She could not move her body on her own. But she fought hard so that she could be normal again.

She had months of physical therapy with my father. She would be massaged from time to time by Tatang. She would be given some electrical treatments. She clung to her faith and will that soon she would recover from her paralysis. Which she did, before her own mother, Lola Edding died. She was able to walk again and move her arms again after taking some therapeutic concoctions of the fabled Goji juice that my father gave her. Since then, she was taking Goji juice.

All we thought, things would already be alright for her. Bubbly once more, until Lola Edding died. Perhaps she became so low on the death of Lola Edding.

All along, our father whom we fondly call Tatang, is always beside her. Through thick and thin, our father took care of her unconditionally. Tatang became her personal nurse, so to speak. Our Tatang is a very strong-willed person. He is the source of strength and inspiration of the entire family. I have not seen greater love than his for our mother. All my entire life, I have not seen a single time that they ever had any fight at all. Our Tatang is truly a great example of a husband and a father. To me, no one comes close to the love that I have seen in both of them.

I had long wanted to go home and be at her service even just for a while. But I couldn't because of work. My family is down here in Bulacan. My work is one that an absence means so much.

Now, our mother is gone. My mother already left us. She had left us, with all her five children, professionals. But no matter how much we may have given back to her, materially, monetarily, and presence, nothing would be enough to match the love and the sacrifices she had given to all of us. She was always very happy each time that we would visit them in Sanchez Mira. On special occasions, she would look forward to seeing all of us. But many times, we failed to complete our family.

Now, we would all go to pay her our last respects. We would finally have a family reunion like no other. We would bring our families, too. But we would see our mother already in her coffin. It would be a sight that would break our hearts. No amount of comforting words would suffice for the loss of a mother so dearly loved.

Nanang, wherever you are right now, please know that we love you so much. Please know that I love you so much. You know that very much. While we grieve for your demise, we are comforted that you are freed from your physical sufferings that you had long endured. We are comforted that you are now with our Lord, with God in His promised eternal life. With all compassion and love, we know that the Lord accepted you with a heartfelt embrace. Let alone your dedication in the Lord's vineyard be one of your redemptions.

Thank you for the years that we had you with us. Thank you for the unconditional love you had given to each one of us, your 5 children, our children, and most of all to Tatang. Thank you for the unforgettable lessons that you had taught us. Thank you so much for everything.

For the many times that we have failed you, forgive us.

For the many heartaches that we have given you, look at us with compassion.

For the many moments that we ignored your pleas of help, understand us.

For the many promises that we have broken, embrace us.

For the many times that we left you alone, be with us.

Nanang, bring with you our love and a wonderful memory of a family you have built with Tatang. Bring all our cares and burdens to the foot of Jesus. Offer all your sacrifices for us whom you have left behind. Please beg Jesus to pour out His blessings on us, your family, which up to now is still wallowing in dire poverty. Please ask our Lord to send us what we needed to live decent lives.

Nanang, it is not goodbye. It is not farewell. Jesus Himself taught us that a seed has to die in order to live. Now, you live in our hearts. Now we carry you wherever we are. Now we have you always with us.

Nanang, I love you so much...